Ditch those frenemies

Friendships can be so much like romatic relationships, especially when they end.  There are constant feelings of rejection, and “why wasn’t I good enough?” It really feels that way when you see your former friend being a “good” friend to someone else.  Slowly you start to realize that maybe they weren’t ever your friend at all. Sure, they played the part, but when it comes down to it, they didn’t treat you the way friends treat each other.  It’s so much easier to see that in hindsight.

For whatever reason, females tend to have “frenemies”: Those people who love to hate you. These people go along with the facade of loving you but once the friendship is over and you start looking back, you see all the things they did to attempt to bring you down.  They are they kind of girls who finally convince you to go out with a male friend of theirs only to tell lies about you so he’ll tell you he isn’t interested anymore.  Then within a week, you find out your “friend” is dating the guy who she told you was just her “friend”. They are also the kind of friend who will provoke you and then when you verbally defend yourself, she runs to one of the school’s bullies (who is also a girl)and tells only one side of the story in hopes that you get beaten to a pulp.  Yes, I know from personal experience that girls do this to their “friends”.

True friends find ways to make you feel good about yourself, not sabatoge your self-esteem.  Friends are supposed to have your back no matter what. If your friends don’t have those qualities, find new ones.  Really. Do that.  Peple can change, but I’ve learned they seldom do.  It’s my opinion that people don’t change because they don’t think there’s anything wrong with how they treat people.  So don’t keep hoping that one day that they will “grow out” of their behavior.  They won’t.  And that’s ok. You have to find someone who’s worthy to be your friend.  If someone doesn’t want to be a true friend, keep looking.

This is advice I wish someone had given me when I thought I couldn’t find a better friend or when I’d forgiven her for the 20th time for hurting me.  You can forgive people but you do not have to allow them back into your life. I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. We all make mistakes. However, when someone continuously hurts you, you have to learn to walk away. I give people plenty of chances, more than I should.  But I’ve had to learn to say “enough!”.  And you should learn to do the same.

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Yay, America!

I find it amusing that people are so terrified about Trump being the new president.  Trump wasn’t my pick for the Republican nominee but there’s no way I could even think about voting for Hillary. She goes against everything I believe in. I have a lot of old school values and morals.  I am strongly pro-life. She thinks a baby doesn’t have any rights until he/she is born and that late term abortions are totally fine. This is not something I could ever support.

I also believe that a president should be able to handle something as rudimentary as email.  How does one who works in goverment not know what “classified” means. That right there sends up red flags that she can’t keep government secrets.  Her supporters also want to call Trump racist.  Fact: Hillary said that Robert Byrd, who had involvment with the KKK at one time was her “mentor”. She called black males “super predators”. Not to mention she got some of our men killed in Behghazi because she didn’t do her job. Then she said that they didn’t matter.  Well, Mrs. Clinton, apparently they did becuase I think that’s one of the reason many people didn’t want you in office. It was one of the biggest reasons I would not vote for her.

Also, I am not against legal immigrants by any means.  I think that if you let people come here illegally it’s an insult to all of the legal immigrants who followed the laws.  Then there’s the whole same-sex issue. I’m not going to get into all of that but just because I don’t agree with someone doesn’t mean I hate them. God has called us to love everyone but that doesn’t mean we have to go along with what they do.

I am tired of seeing posts calling Trump supporters stupid and asking questions like “What the ****?”.  And all you celebrities can chill also. You still have money. You can still make your subpar movies and music.  You weren’t effected by Obama and I doubt you will be effected by Trump. It’s the middle class who gets screwed over.  Obama did that for 8 years. The American people were ready for a change.  I’m glad we got it.

 

An Unlikely Friendship

I first met Cristie when Jake was around 18 months old or so.  She was dating my ex, Jake’s father.  At first, I was hurt and jealous.  I felt like my ex had just thrown nearly 3 and a half years away. However, I had to admit to myself that he and I just weren’t good for each other.  Whatever attracted us to each other when we were 16 just wasn’t there anymore.  And I realized that was ok. I was 19, almost 20 and still young.

I did want him to be a more active father. However, he just wasn’t mature enough to give up what he wanted to do in order to spend one on one time with his son. Young moms don’t have the same luxury. Often they have to be a parent whether they want to or not.   I resented him for that. I didn’t resent Jake at all, just the fact that his father got to be carefree and I had all the responsibility of being a parent.

I think my ex had it in his head that in order for him to see Jake, he’d have to still be with me. That wasn’t the case at all.   I told him I would drop Jake off and leave so they could spend some time together, and then go pick him back up later on.  He told me he didn’t have time for that and got into a truck with a girl, who I would later find out to be Cristie.

I found out a month or so later from a girl at work that Cristie and my ex would be getting married.  Was I hurt? Sure. But I was more relieved than anything.  See, my ex and I had a rocky relationship.  We would break up and he would see other people. Sometimes I’d talk to another guy, but never really dated.  We would get back together and if he found out I so much as spoke to another guy, he’d get angry with me.  So when I found out he and Cristie were going to be married, I felt free. I knew then I didn’t have to be his backup. And I’m glad because that November I met Will, the man I would marry.

Cristie and I didn’t always get along.  I’m not sure exactly what all my ex had said about me. I’m sure that most of it wasn’t nice.  Was I perfect? No. But neither was he.  Cristie and I eventually started talking more and it was evident that she really cared about Jake.  I told her as long as she was good to my son, she’d never have a problem out of me.  I really don’t think I could have picked out a better step bonus mom for Jake.  She was usually the one who would show up to pick him up and he always loved going with her.

Cristie and I would have a few misunderstandings here and there, but nothing major.  We always got past them.  I was really disheartened when she told me that my ex had been cheating on her and was leaving her for the other woman.  She was a good wife and I honestly don’t think my ex could have asked for a better wife. But for whatever reason, he wasn’t happy. And I guess in this day and time, being happy is the only thing that matters. Not vows and morals. But that’s not the focus of this.

Cristie never overstepped her boundaries when it came to Jake. She never tried to replace me or compete with me. She simply wanted what was best for him. She still does. I think that’s why even though Jake is grown, he still goes to see her and respects her.  She was in his life constantly for 10 years. So when my ex and Cristie divorced, I told her that she would always be able to see Jake whenever she wanted. I was not going to keep him from seeing her or his brother and sister.

I now consider her a good friend and I wouldn’t change that for the world.  People used to be so confused when I’d tell them I was friends with my ex’s wife and that we got along really well. But Cristie is a great person so it’s not really a surprise to me.  I still consider her Jake’s “bonus” mom and I’m glad she’s still a part of his life.


 

Grown Mean Girls

People think “mean girls” only exist in the confines of jr high or high school.  They’re wrong.  I have dealt with more “mean girls” since I’ve been an adult than when I was in school.  And most “mean girls” I know are not the popular pretty kind in the movie.    Now, I can handle someone not wanting to be friends with me. I am not so desperate for friends that I would keep trying to forge a friendship with someone who has no interest in being friends.  No, my problem with a specific “mean girl” is the fact she would go back and forth with being my friend, then lying about me to stir up meaningless drama, then finish it up by turning others against me.  I don’t like to hold grudges against people, so of course, I would forgive this person (let’s call her A.) over and over again.  I don’t know why I expected different results.  It was always the same. We’d get back on good terms, talk to each other nearly every day, then all of a sudden,she’d start getting distant. She may have had the courtesy of posting a vague status about me on fb so at least I’d know she was about to unfriend me again.  But this last time, she got distant then all of a sudden one day I noticed she’d blocked me.  Then I found out that she’d lied about me yet again to someone causing them to briefly believe her and unfriend me on fb.  But after the person got to thinking about who he had been talking to, he realized A. was lying and talked to me again.  He’s probably the only one she has manipulated who has any sense though.  Most everyone else she talks to buys into her lies about me. If they were friends with me or even just casual acquaintances, they stop speaking to me. They never bother to ask for my side of the story. It used to bother me but then I realized that if they weren’t mature enough to come to me and ask for my part of what was going on, then I didn’t need them as “friends” anyway.

That’s the thing with manipulative people though. They are so believable.  A. emailed me a few months ago “apologizing” for lying about me. And I bought it at first. But the more I read the email and analyzed it, I realize she didn’t really apologize because she gave excuses for her behavior.  She wanted to use the opportunity to tell me what she perceived that I did wrong. I guess she was expecting an apology, however, I had nothing to apologize for. And no, I’m not one of these people who think they do nothing wrong. I have apologized plenty of times even times when I didn’t have anything to apologize for simply to keep the peace. However, I was not going to do that this time.  And besides she made it clear she didn’t want to be friends any longer. I’m fine with that. But I am NOT fine with the fact that she lied about me to save face.  This was not the only time she’s done something like this, but it just took me this long to realize she’s never going to change.

I’ve also learned it usually does no good to try to tell others your side of the story.  I tried that yesterday with M. I’m not going to call her a friend because according to her, we were never friends. So I’ll say an acquaintance.  She wasn’t good friends with A. until a few years ago.  I wanted to clear the air with M. and tell her my side. Or at least find out what was said about me to make her turn on me.  The only reply I got back was (and I’m summarizing here): I was always trying to pull people into my drama and we were never friends anyway. This was the first time I had talked to M in like 3 or 4 years.  I was not even the one who “pulled” her into the drama.  A. did that by talking about me behind my back to M.

Do I care if A. and M. read this? No, not at all. I doubt either one of them would say anything anyway. I know A. won’t because she likes to hide behind people.  Me? I’d much rather talk face to face (or at least on the phone)and get things out of the way. I don’t like the back and forth emails and messages. But I’ve found out, most people are all talk and prefer to say things from behind a computer/cell phone screen.

I’m glad that A. ended our friendship. I’m such a pushover that I probably would have let her continue letting her treat me the way she always has.  You can’t reason with manipulative people or those that believe whatever they say. The best thing to do is just forget about them and find real friends.  And thankfully, I have real friends.  I have friends who don’t constantly feel the need to put me down or stir up needless drama.  So gonna just chalk this whole “friendship” up to one very long lesson: When someone shows their true color/s, don’t try to paint them a different one.

When an apology is not an apology.

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People need to learn how to apologize.  A real apology doesn’t come with an excuse. I’ve recently received such an apology.  A former friend chose to lie about me. It took her nearly a whole year to even feel bad enough to contact me with a half-a**ed apology. From her words, the only thing I really got out of it was that she lied about me because she didn’t want to be friends anymore.  So I guess it was just easier to lie about me, then proceed to block me from all social media accounts.  This would be normal if we were in jr high. However we are adults. It was very childish.

When I first read the email, I was thinking maybe she wanted to reconcile and be friends again.  Not best friends, but at least friends.  But the more I’ve read these words

I know now that things happen for a reason, we as people change. Our lives take different paths. We make new friends that we have things in common with, whose beliefs are the same and there is nothing wrong with that. The way I chose to deal with it was though.

I realize that’s not what she wants at all. I did tell her that I accepted her apology and told her I felt she had checked out on teh friendship a long time ago. She replied and agreed with what I said then ended the email with “I really do wish the best for you”. So if that’s not a friendship break up, I don’t know what is.

Now looking back at her initial email where she said basically said “I’m sorry for lying but…” I want to call her out on her fake apology.  I suppose she felt like since she no longer wanted to be friends with me that sort of apology was acceptable.  The more I think about it, it’s not. I’m starting to think that she had no intentions of really apologizing to me. She just wanted to let me know the reason why she thoughtI deserved to be lied about.

And if she’s reading this I just want to clarify a few things:

  • Your exhusband and I are not “close”.  We talked on fb as friends. Just because you can’t be just friends with the opposite sex doesn’t mean I can’t. Your ex is not a bad guy. You are the one who stepped out of the relationship.
  • I may have not spoken highly of your ex and his new wife to you when you two first split up but that’s because you had me believing he was treating you badly.  When I found out the truth, I stayed neutral if the conversation subject turned to him and his new wife.
  • I also did not speak of you to your exhusband except when you would start drama with me and unfriend me like you have so many times before.  However, when we were on speaking terms, I didn’t say anything negative about you.
  • Just because I “liked” a status on his page didn’t mean we were talking about you.  I never asked who he was talking about. If you hadn’t been spying from your daughter’s page, you’d have nothing to be angry about.
  • You say everyone else causes drama, but you are always the common denominator.

You seem to think you are too good to be friends with me, but really, it’s the other way around.